| Parents... |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|08:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | There is no fucking music | ] |
And so, on September 30th 2004 it all starts to go downhill, or perhaps uphill. Who knows. My parents had a talk to me about self harm and the talk which usually is susposed to be a loveing "we are worried about you" talk, turned into a, me sitting on the opposite side of the room getting yelled at for how stupid it is talk. They don't relize it hurts me. Everytime they raise their voice... get defensive for stupid shit, its hurts. Back when they used to fight, spring knives on each other, call the police, show up drugged or beat each other, don't they think that would hurt me to some degree? Today was going so swell... and tomorrow was susposed to get better. I am so fucking sad right now, not depressed... just sad. In a way this is what I always wanted, in another, I just wished they never knew. I feel... unloved by everyone right now. I feel distant, gothic. Its horrible. I know nothing about whats going to happen tomorrow... but all I know is its not going to be fun.
I still hate you Joel, I hate you for this depression you're making me feel. |
|
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| Mph |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|04:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
I'm not sure if I should feel happy or not. I'm sort of in the middle, i'm tranquil. My parents were eyeing the cuts over my arms today. Maybe they are thinking the worst, or maybe they believe the "torn" story. Whatever, maybe they see it as a call for help, or maybe they see them as a dishonorable disfigurment. I don't care. All I know is its a step in the right direction, finally they notice there might be something wrong with me. I couldnt eat dinner, It didnt taste good. Nothing has tasted good recently, even the sushi I had earlier. Everything tastes like shit. Even if today was a good day. I dunno, maybe i'm bi-polar, or a manic depresive. I still hate myself. Though i haved hated myself for years now, thats nothing new. My existance is a shit |
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| Kill it all away |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Suicidal | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NIN - hurt | ] |
Well, i'm confused and angry with myself. I am having random jumps from happiness to sorrow, to anger to fear. Its horrible and i'm starting to become unable to handle it. I did a few things recently which resulted in my want for everything. Though I couldnt have everything I thought I could, and in the process I hurt someone close to me. I wish I could say sorry to her, but... I really am afraid to. Its been a lot of bad shit recently. I didnt think I could handle going to homecoming on saturday. I think it would just be too much for me, too many people. The funny thing about suicide is i'm too much of a baby to go through with it. I am someone else. Somehow, I am very... masochistic. It's not a call for help, its turning into a way of life. but you know what? fuck me. I hate myself anyhow, maybe this is just a way for me to take it out. I want to leave my body, I hate Joel Miller, I hate him to death. I despise myself, self-loathing. I just want to move away, forget everyone I know and start over. But frankly I can't
I'm sorry, I truley am |
|
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| Hyper Spaz 911 |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|10:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mindless Self INdulgence - Wack | ] |
Alrighty where to start hahah,
(I wonder when Its going to stop being fun for me)
the past two days have been fantastic in terms of how days go.
(I wonder when Its going to stop being fun for me)
It all started out in a sign language jinx on wednesday.
(I wonder when Its going to stop being fun for me) I was dared to come to school totally overdosed on caffeine.
(Five fucking seconds from now) So I woke up Wednesday and took, 2 energy drinks, 4.5 cups of coffee and a No Doz pill.
(I really need to quit before it all turns to shit) First hour came along in model and I was pretty calm, Math rolled up and holy fuck nugget.
(I really need to quit before it all turns to shit)
That was soooooo hard to sit still, my hand was like a dildo connected to a car battery.
(I really need to quit before it all turns to shit)
I was a vibration-monster.
(Too fucking late for that)
Sign language came along and the teacher noticed, gave me a weird look haha.
(they say my first CD, was my best one, and the other shit was dissapointing)
Anyhow, I was twitching often and when lunch time rolled around the effect wore off a bunch.
(Me likes watching it go down in flames)
I was just a bit jumpy.
(NOT MY FAULT)
Ohh, I came back home that day and took a big fucking nap lmao.
(I blame it on the industry)
Then went to pick up Jenny and natalie who needed my awesome car services to transport them around, hung around with them a few hours and they went to some potheads house.
(ROCK MY HOLE)
I went home and talked online which I had a very badass and cool conversation tehehe.
(Well since you put it that a way)
Went to bed, woke up.
(They were right)
THEN TODAY WAS BADASS TOO, I dunno why but the past few days have just been really good.
(MY SHIT IS WACK!!!)
I'm not sure what is making them better... but something is. Maybe its just the caffeine but something totally rox. Same song, second chorus. Well, anyhow I am really sleepy right now, just got back form the football game which was a lot of fun, talked to some new people and feel oh-so popular.
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this
I wonder when I'll really stop being good at this |
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|
| ... |
[Sep. 21st, 2004|08:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sublime :: What I got | ] |
QOTD :: Ommysan - "Awwwwwwwwwwwww"
---------------------------------------------------------
Hmm, the past two days have been pretty eventless. Not much on my mind either. I'm pretty calm recently. Yes. Calm. No activity.
You know when you're depressed you usually don't enjoy things you used to and you often sleep a lot more. Well, I havnt found much joy in my video games recently and have been taking a fuckload of naps. Maybe i'm depressed? But i'm not lol. Its CRAZY!!! Anyhow, tomorrow i'm going to have a lot to write about do to a fun event happening
:D
(pre warning for tomorrow, caffeine rush!!!) |
|
|
| Uhh... |
[Sep. 19th, 2004|09:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | back off you little shit... gnawing at my fist | ] |
QOTD ::
Me "Ommy, I need a QOTD, timmie one"
Ommysan "Shut the fuck up"
Ommysan "Use that one"
Me "okay"
Ommysan "sweet"
--------------------------------------------------
Well, today started at midnight when I went over to Britts and picked him up, we drove around and went to Meijer, picked me up a CD holder!! yeah! Then we drove around till about 2:30am and I dropped him off, I came home and fell asleep. Woke up around 10ish and went outside, skateboarded in circles, came inside and well... that was it lmao, ive been in here wasting my sunday away online since then. Fuck yeah. |
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| Saturday J00vior |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|11:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nine Inch Nails | ] |
'aight. So I woke up at seven A-fucking-M and had to get ready for ACT practice test... volume TWO. Did that and after a few hours and my brain popping, 1pm finally rolled along and I took off to back home. Got home and Mizike came over. We played some Halo and went to Arbys, then BG called and we invited him and Ryan over to Haloify as well. We went skateboarding and outsiding for some time and called Kenan, who was busy watching Sesamie Street... HAHAHHAH
Anyhow, so then BG, Ryan, Mike, Adam and I played some halo. It was a long few games and we went back outside, doing some self destrutive fun, which was fun. Being pulled ulta-fast on my skateboard, going "bowling" on the skateboard. We went over to J-Rizocks house and hung with the Jew Cult or something, we got pizza, drank some pepsi, came home, watched TV and everyone left. All in all... fun day, just kinda dissapointed I missed out on heading to the farm :-/ |
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| Awesome groovy friday from the mosh of fun |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|10:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Once my hearing returns... | ] |
Alrighty, today started off normal.
Aplied Tech...
Sign language...
lunch...
Current issues...
computer lab...
I played gameboy in all of them, anyhow. After the school day ended I went home and BG and Ryan showed up. They watched me play fable for an hour or... three and then they had to go. I went with Leigh to a bowling for soup concert. Now now now, I know what your thinking, but ictm. The lead singer has a really cool voice. Makes me really wanna see a MSI concert now, those who want to, next time they tour I am SO fucking going. Anyhow, got pulled into a mosh and that was by far one of the most fun moments of my life, being thrown around in random directions with people to break my fall. Badass. It was a really fun time and I enjoyed it. Though I am sore.
:) |
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| Evil? Good? ... Can't... Decide... |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | town music... | ] |
QOTD :: Lady in Fable "Two words, Wedding - Ring"
---------------
'aight. So day off... I woke up and went with Ryan-san to game stop... I picked up fable. I came home... I played fable... it is now 11pm, and I am done for tonight. That was my day... fable... is... so... awesome...
<3 |
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| COAT |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|11:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
'aight so yesterday I woke up and went to model. At model we did nothing. Kenan and I just sorta talked the entire hour. Off to math. Boring, its math. Then to lunch, probably the worst lunch I have ever had in my life. The entire lunch was a sort of guilt trip and 'web of lies' anyhow, lunch ended and we went to Current Issues, where we recived... quote of the day::
-----------------
QOTD :: Sugg "You just ate an entire submarine sandwich, cheese burger, cheese sticks and fries"
Kid "Can I go get a drink?"
Sugg "Yeah, go"
(20 minutes later, he returns, with a bagel. He eats it)
Sugg "I thought you went to get a drink!"
Kid " Couldnt find a beer"
------------------
so that was a fun time. Off to gym where we went on a nature walk, I carried a like 20 pound stick an entire mile for the hell of it. That was a big mother fucker too! Like five of me, then we played capture the flag, which is one o' my favorite games. Then... off to home, where... I got... MY COAT. ITS BEAUTIFUL I LOVE IT, It is my favorite article of clothing ever on my body most of the time, it makes me want cooler weather lol. Then, I took the fantastic coat out with Kenan and we went to Mikes birthday bash at Taco Bell, we played around then went to the arcade. We talked to Steve-zor a while then headed to K-mart to buy Kenan an xbox controler, we did that, went to my house, played xbox for a few hours and ordered a pizza. They left, I went to Leigh's with Kill Bill (she never saw it... my god) and watched that then talked for a while, I came home with my gas thing pointing at "E" and decided to fall asleep
I have now seen Kill Bill 132 times, fuck yeah |
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| Mother fucker... |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|09:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | MSI away | ] |
QOTD
Britt :: You're going to be my sisters school project
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alrighty, today started off swell. I wizoke up. Put my clothes on and did my normal morning activies. I ate Rice Crispys for breakfast... they were good... it was worth the time it spent to pour it. Anyhoo, off to Model. Got there and went into P's room. Today for our enjoyment we got to watch a movie about video games, and how they were... something or another, all I know is that it rocked. Went on to Andover and into sign language, my favorite class. I did my story thang' for the class and the teach'a said I was probably the best in the class and a deaf person would be able to undestand my story. I rock ass woo woo!! 'aight, so then off to lunch. I walked around with katy and visited her mother in the office. which was perfect timing since i was menstrating, hardy-har-har. Lunch ended and I went into Current Issues. We went to the libary and had to research an article on... natural disasters, easy shit. I got an article about some hawaiian volcano about to blow its top. Sugg called me "Joel you are my main man!" and told me to print it
The skinny white non-football player is the lead football player coach's main man. HOLY SHIT!
after that it was library assistant, we had a fire drill, yadda yadda, bla bla, i drove Alyssa some, ya ya, played outside, bla bla, Bg came over na na, hooked up xbox online thing blardy blar played it, bleb bleb and THEEEEEEEEEEEN my mom comes downstairs bitching about... somthing or another, she is a whore. Now if I ever want to see my beautiful car again I have to re-dye my hair. GRRRRRRR SHE IS GOING TO DIE. THAT BITCH WILL BURN IN EVERY HELL (freeze where it is fit). Grumble, bad mood because of her. And to think, today was a really awesome day.
Reason 3,492 why my mother is a damned stupid bitch |
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| First... My god |
[Sep. 13th, 2004|07:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Harvey Danger - Save it for later | ] |
QOTD:: Ommy-san :: "I Hate you"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahhh, so, today was monday the 13th of the year of 04.
zero four
Alrighty, I just decided I need a journal just like everyone else, I wanna be cool too. Anyhow... erm, like today I had this reaaaaaaaaaally good subsandwich. It was one of the best things I ate today, somthing about the mayo on it that just kicked major ass. I'm hanging out in my basement right now due to the groundage of having blue hair. Mike is hurr online talking to me about what we should do later. That sounds cool. Hopfully later this week Ommy-san will come over and help me with the webcomic webpage, that'll be fun to do in my spare time. I think i'm getting more violent, cool. I always wanted to be the violent type, perhaps the genie granted my wish. Morrowind IV is in development and that'll be fun to play. Yes, this first entry has no meaning what-so-ever. Anyhow...
I love my mommy cause she fucked my dad
I love my mommy cause she fucked the shit out of my dad...
Tanto-cui |
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